By Tim Elmore

I’ve witnessed a measurable shift in the way parents view their role today. When I was growing up, parents believed they did a good job if they gave their child everything she or he needed. Today, parents believe they’ve done a good job if they give their child everything they want. And while the pursuit feels noble, it’s done some damage to the kids. 

When kids confuse wants and needs, three realities occur inside of them. First, they feel entitled to the item they desire, because, after all, it’s a need in their mind. Second, because it’s a need, they feel it’s their right to demand it. And third, they can then judge the love of their parents (or teachers) by their willingness to deliver that item.

These mindsets can have a sinister effect on our relationships. This holiday season, I thought it might be helpful to reflect on the topic. 

A teacher recently told me about a student in her class who demanded he be able to make up an exam he missed. This teacher was amicable, but said it would need to be on a certain date. The teen texted back that the date didn’t work for him and forwarded a link to his calendar so the teacher could fit into his schedule. You can’t make this up. 

Distortions

When a young person perceives something as a need and a caring adult doesn’t deliver it, they can begin to doubt your goodness, care, or empathy for them. Truth be told, all parents know that refusing to give them everything they ask for may be a great gift in disguise. Let’s be honest. Sometimes a child, a student, or a young employee can request something that we know well is not in their best interest. What’s troubling is, because parents failed to cultivate an understanding of what loving discipline really is—those kids can turn on that adult due to their misunderstanding of what love and empathy really look like. 

An invisible wall can be constructed emotionally between the teen and the adult. More and more, I see social media posts where adolescents use the term “boundaries” when it comes to their parents or teachers. They feel they have a right to erect a social boundary—when in fact, this is often (not always) ludicrous. The teen doesn’t understand life’s “social contract” and has little to leverage as they need the resources parents offer. Their brain is still forming. 

Let’s imagine you’re with your teen shopping. They suddenly see a new Nike sneaker in the window, or a LuluLemon top, or the latest iPhone. They instantly feel they need it. Since they don’t have the money to purchase it, they tell you they need it. You hear great resolve in their voice. You know they don’t need it, so you say no, or not today. Why? Because you know it’s a “want” not a “need.” They already have good shoes, nice tops, and a smartphone. Well, you can be sure your teen will not respond by saying, “Wow! What a wise mother I’ve been blessed with! She has seen through my distorted sense of need, has recognized a selfish desire, and has lovingly rescued me from myself.” 

Not a chance—because they’ve misconstrued their wants and their needs.

The Hot Air Balloon Exercise 

How do we lead wisely in such situations? Try hosting a discussion I call the “Hot Air Balloon Exercise.” Have your young people make a list of all the stuff they need to live, from hair dryers, to makeup, to video games, to sports equipment, to Stanley cups, you name it. The items they use almost every day. Then, have them imagine they’re about to hop into a hot air balloon and go for a ride, loading each of those possessions they feel they “need” into that balloon. Once the balloon is full, they take off into the air and begin to float over the ocean. They get so far over the water that all they see is the ocean. Next, have them imagine that the balloon begins to run out of butane gas. The balloon begins to slowly fall. The only way to stay up is to toss some items overboard. Discussion: what do you throw away first? How about next? How about next? What do you keep and why?

While this is just an exercise, it forces a person to force-rank what they really need to survive. We begin to distinguish between wants and needs rapidly. It clarifies and purifies our desires. Once you both have done the exercise, talk about your decision-making process. How and why did you make the choices you made? 

This Is for All of Us

Incidentally, this isn’t just a challenge for young people. About fifty-four years ago, U.S. adults were surveyed and asked how many items they felt they needed to live. In that 1970 survey, people replied that, on average, they felt they needed 35 items. More recently, the same survey was taken, and today’s adults believed they needed some 350 items—a thousand percent more than we felt we “needed” decades ago. Please forgive me, but it sounds to me like we’ve confused needs and wants. 

Michelle Singletary said it well: “If we aren’t careful, our children will come down with ‘affluenza,’ a disease that causes them to confuse wants and needs. We need to teach them what my grandmother taught me: think twice about spending money you don’t have on things you don’t need to impress people you don’t like anyway.” It’s true. Often, we are so focused on what we want that we miss the things we need. I believe the happiest people are not the ones who have the most, but the ones who need the least.