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Over-Parenting Can Do More Harm Than Not Enough

May 22, 2013 — 2 Comments

parenting

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to share with the Huffington Post community the following thoughts. I wanted to share them with you as well…

Everyone agrees that it’s a crime to neglect a child. That’s a no brainer. What we’ve failed to see for two decades is that over-parenting — not under-parenting — can do even more harm.

Psychologists have found that a kid without an attentive parent can be emotionally damaged — but soon discover they must find a way to fend for themselves. Children from over-parented homes can just plain fail to develop at all.

The Bully Issue

Dieter Wolke, Ph.D, Professor of Developmental Psychology at The University of Warwick Medical School in the UK, and lead author of this study, gives a practical example of how this plays out: “Overprotection by parents can increase the risk a child will be bullied.” According to the study published last week in Child Abuse & Neglect, researchers conducted a meta-analysis of 70 studies on more than 200,000 children. “Since parental support and supervision are important aspects to prevent bullying, the researchers were particularly surprised to find that over-protective parenting can have adverse effects on children. Parents who try too hard to buffer their children from harm, they assessed, can actually hurt them.”

The goal of parenting, Dr. Wolke suggests, is to make children competent, self-regulating, and effective people. “Children need to deal with various forms of stress in mild doses — like an inoculation that helps the body to fight a real infection by having built antibodies. Similarly, children do need to experience some conflict to learn how to deal with larger problems, such as bullying.”

Five Action Steps

So, what’s the answer? Either extreme — abandonment or abundance — is wrong. So how do we nurture young people, but not over-do it? The parents and teachers I know who equip students to handle bullying and other difficulties on campus practice the following action steps:

1. Teach your kids problem solving skills.

Instead of conditioning our young people to “depend on parents” to fix what’s wrong, why not cultivate a “problem-solving bias” in them, to understand and resolve their problems — whether it’s a low test score, a bully on the bus, or a deadline they can’t meet. This builds a can-do attitude in them, a resilient spirit as they encounter challenges and it prepares them for life.

2. Discuss the art of negotiation.

Much of life is about negotiating conflict with others and resolving it with a win/win solution or a compromise. I’ve spent years talking to my son, Jonathan, about negotiating conflict with difficult peers when they disagreed or with teachers when an assignment seemed impossible. This deepens their logic, empathy and ability to communicate. It’s a skill they will use the rest of their lives.

3. Build emotional intelligence in your kids.

EQ, not IQ, is the greatest predictor of success for young people, both as students and later as graduates. Emotional intelligence enables a person to be self-aware; to manage their own emotions; to be socially aware (how are people connected or disconnected with each other) and to manage relationships. When we build healthy EQ in our kids, we prepare them to be more resilient. (Note: we’re currently creating two new books called Habitudes and Emotional Intelligence).

4. Help them set and manage expectations.

I believe that much of life is about setting and managing healthy, realistic expectations. Kids become unhealthy when they just can’t seem to navigate what to expect (or feel entitled to) and the reality they face. For example, while we wish everyone was kind and empathetic, even grown adults can be… uh, well, immature. Prepare your kids for hardship; tell them life can be tough. It’s normal.

5. Don’t do it for them.

Whatever you do, as your kids grow older, move from “doing it for them” to “helping them learn to do it themselves.” Don’t give them a fish; teach them to fish. By age 10, when they can’t finish a project or meet a deadline, or make a practice, have them call their teacher or coach. Teach them to apologize for mistakes. If need be, go to the teacher with them, even hold their hand, but have them do the talking. It works.

Talk to me. What would you add to this list?

For more information on how to connect with your kids, check out “Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future” 

 

In Leadership, Parenting
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Six Reasons Mentors Tell “Failure” Stories: Guest Post by Regi Campbell

May 21, 2013 — 2 Comments

mentorship

Today’s blog is a Guest Post from Regi Campbell. Regi is an entrepreneur, CEO, investor and an author. But his passion is mentoring and enlisting older, wiser mentors to focus on intentional relationships with younger men. I know you will enjoy Regi’s words as much as I do!

Six Reasons Mentors Tell “Failure” Stories

I’m a leader. Not bragging. Didn’t really set out to be. But through fifteen startup companies, five CEO jobs, a couple of church starts and a few other ministry launches, I’ve been cast as a leader. Years ago (thirteen to be exact), I bought into the idea that more time with fewer people yielded greater impact. I got that principle from Tim Elmore, a man I love and deeply respect. I began mentoring eight young leaders each year, spending three hours each month pouring what I’ve learned, i.e. ‘what’s in my cup’… into theirs.

I sometimes do this by telling stories. And I’ve noticed how much more intensely young people listen to the stories of my failures than those of my successes.

Why are mentees drawn to failure stories over victory laps?

1. Authentic -  When I talk about winning “High Technology Entrepreneur of the Year”, I sound like everyone else. But when I tell them about having an MBA at 35 years-old, but making a naive decision about how to expand my company and burning through all my cash, that sounds different. They want to hear more…what I did wrong, what I learned, what I would do different next time. They can’t get that kind of information anywhere else. And because they see me as real and authentic, they’ll listen and learn other stuff from me too.

2. Approachable – If you feel like you’re around perfection, you’re going to be quiet. Walk softly. Project yourself to be as close to perfect as you can. But when a mentor demonstrates humility by sharing his failures, he’s more approachable. More accessible. And more helpful.

3. Emotional – All decisions are made at an emotional level. I believe the most meaningful learning happens when emotions are engaged. Hearing and feeling the pain, embarrassment, or remorse of a situation gone bad brings the mentee into the mentor’s circle. Hearing about a mentor’s passionate resolve to recover and learn from mistakes can galvanize a younger leader’s penchant to ‘go for it’, even if ‘it’ fails.

4. Valuable – Sometimes, it looks like good leaders find success effortlessly. It seems to come cheap. But the lessons learned through mistakes and failure are expensive. They take the skin off. Leave a mark. Young people know the value of lessons learned from painful experiences. Wisdom comes from experience. Experience come from mistakes. Mistakes are costly, thus valuable. 

5. Believable – We can spin the stories of our success to a level no one can believe. They don’t see how they could ever get to where we are or emulate what we’ve done. But when leaders share their failures, their successes become more believable. More doable for younger leaders. The ‘cookies’ appear to be on the bottom shelf where they can be reached by mere mortals…like them.

6. Challenging – When a young person sees a leader he looks up to share his failures and shortcomings, he may start to believe in himself. “If he can succeed, I know I can”. He sees his own potential. He sees the chance to stand on the shoulders of one who’s gone where he wants to go.

If you’re a mentor, open up. Loosen up. True strength is revealed in vulnerability, so tell your mentees where you’ve screwed up. Let them learn from your mistakes. They’ll make others, but at least they won’t make the same one’s you made.

If you’re a young leader, press your mentor. Give him a “C’mon man!” Make him take you to the biggest mistakes he’s made and share what he’s learned. Don’t let him off the hook. Force him to get real with you. You’ll both be better for it. 

Regi’s track for mentoring men in small groups can be found at www.radicalmentoring.com. You can also follow Regi on twitter @radicalmentor.   

 

In Generation iY, Leadership
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The Pot and the Kettle

May 20, 2013 — 2 Comments

Thought

You probably heard the report on the news. The U.S. Air Force released an official statement last week: Lt. Col. Jeff Krusinski was charged with sexual battery in Arlington, Virginia. The case is currently under investigation. He has been removed from his position as the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response branch chief pending the outcome of the current investigation. Did you catch that?

An Air Force officer tasked with sexual assault prevention has been arrested and charged with sexual battery this weekend, accused of attacking a woman in a suburban Virginia parking lot Sunday morning.

What is it that makes us so prone to fail at the very thing we try to help others avoid or overcome? Have you noticed this? Leaders, including myself, can be vulnerable to submit to temptation, moral failure and even crimes…and not just any crimes or failures…but ones that revolve around an area we’ve studied, experienced, focused on and become preoccupied with. So strange.

Although it is believed to be under-reported, the Defense Department estimates approximately 19,000 cases of sexual abuse occur in the military each year.

My reminder for you today? Beware if your job focuses on fighting against something negative and doesn’t include fighting for something positive and redemptive. What we focus on will sure get our attention and eventually move us to action. Dr. Hans Selye wrote about this issue years ago. We all have a Reticular Activating System, in the back of our brains. Our R.A.S. has one primary function: to cause us to move in the direction of the dominant thought of the moment.

So here are my questions:

What’s dominating your thought life?

Are you fighting against a wrong, or are you preoccupied with something good to replace it?

 

In Culture, Leadership, Workplace
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LeaderTip #6: How to Overcome Ineffective Meetings

May 17, 2013 — Leave a comment

By this time of spring, most schools have selected their student government, resident advisors, club leaders, and peer mentors for next school year. My big question is—could they use some help getting ready?

At Growing Leaders, we’ve decided to post a helpful article each week continuing through the summer on our blog page, geared especially for student leaders. You can expect it on Fridays. They’ll contain practical tips for leading meetings, communicating a vision, choosing priorities, dealing with difficult peers, bossing your calendar, effective planning and more. You can find today’s tip below. If you like it, it’s our gift to you and your students. Feel free to copy it for each of your student leaders as a discussion guide that will equip them to be more healthy leaders. Also, click on “Free Resources” to view and download the growing library of Leader Tips on a special page of our site. This is a page just for young leaders to practice great leadership. Feel free to have your students look for it, all summer as they anticipate leading this fall. Enjoy.

ineffective-meeting 

How to Overcome Ineffective Meetings

Leadership is a tender balance between relationships and results. Relationships must come first, but merely experiencing friendships with your team may not result in any productivity. Good leaders understand how to leverage both to achieve a mission. Far too often, however, leaders and teams get bogged down in distractions, requests from others, too many options…and all of these lead to ineffective meetings. Teams experience activity without accomplishment in those meetings.

So what undermines effective meetings?

1. The meeting objectives are poorly defined. Leaders must put their objectives in print, clear and simple to understand: here is why we are meeting.

2. People are invited based on protocol not need. Good leaders invite those who can solve problems, not merely represent needs from the group.

3. Participants are not prepared for the meeting. Leaders should give team members material ahead of time so they are ready to discuss and act.

4. We often hold non-essential meetings. Good leaders know not to meet because of mere tradition. If they don’t have a good reason to meet, they cancel it.

5. The meetings last too long. Usually, the longer a meeting goes, the more attendees lose interest and creativity. Leaders must determine an appropriate time span.

6. The participants try to reach consensus on minor issues. Good leaders decide what’s worth “dying for.” They don’t waste time on unimportant issues.

7. The meeting is held in an atmosphere that’s not conducive for discussion. If the issues are sensitive, good leaders know not to meet in a loud or public place.

8. One person is allowed to dominate the meeting. Good leaders talk to dominant members prior to meetings, asking them to speak last and summarize the discussion.

9. The facilitator of the meeting is not a good leader. This should give you incentive to become a better leader each week.

10. No action or wrong action is taken after the meeting. Nothing kills the incentive of team members than seeing poor results after each time they meet.

An Agenda for an Effective Meeting

Sometimes, the agenda for a meeting hinders productivity. Team members get stuck.

If your goal is to actually get something done—not merely report what’s happened since the last meeting—you may want to try a different agenda. I have found that the order I lay out the items for discussion and action may help or hamper our progress.

Olen Hendricks suggests the following order of business for an effective meeting. Try this outline, and place each topic you want to cover under one of these categories.

I. INFORMATION ITEMS

The first category on the agenda includes issues that merely need to be reported on, announced, or communicated to the team. None require a vote. They’re information. They may be activities that happened since the last meeting, progress that took place or issues that require members to look at their calendars. By doing this first, you can set a passionate tone for the meeting by sharing good things that have occurred and you can schedule items on the calendar when attendees still have fresh energy.

II. ACTION ITEMS

This next category includes subjects that require action (a vote or an action by the participants) or, items that were discussed in past meetings under the “study item” portion of the agenda. These issues only become action items when they have been discussed and processed by team members who are now ready to take action. They have been given time and thoughtful consideration.

III. STUDY ITEMS

These issues are ones in which you want to brainstorm and “dream out loud” but they aren’t ready to be acted upon. They allow teams to talk without the pressure of voting or deciding what to do right away. In short, they deserve time and discussion before they become action items. That’s why you put them at the end of the agenda and give them as much time as possible for consideration. Once these issues have been discussed, they can be moved up to action items at a future meeting.

Comedian Milton Berle once described committees as a group of people who keep minutes and waste hours. Far too often, he’s right. Remember, when you form your team to meet with—you want to select people who are problem solvers, not nit-pickers or fault-finders. This is where good meetings begin.

Questions for Reflection

a. What have you failed to do to prepare team members for your meetings?

b. How do you view meetings: a place for discussion, ideas, critiquing or action?

c. Do you have the right people in the right places at your team meetings?

d. What is one important change you could make to improve your meetings?

In Leadership, LeaderTips, Workplace
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Seven Lessons Coaches Can Learn from Frosty Westering

May 16, 2013 — 4 Comments

coach-influence

Frosty Westering died not long ago. He lived a long life, born in 1927 and coached NCAA football for much of that time. But his life wasn’t merely long. It was full. Frosty really, really lived—and chose to invest his life into young men. He built men out of boys during their years in college. After reading about his life, I thought I’d summarize a handful of lessons I learned from the way he led those athletes:

1. He had fun with his team and had no pretentions.

Without shame or hesitation he coached a different way. Although he was a retired Marine, he had fun with his players. One time his team dared him to belly-flop into a California hotel pool and he complied—at age 75. He once took a running plunge into the mud during a sloppy game in Oregon. He actually enjoyed it when players pulled pranks on him and insisted his boys call him by his first name, “Frosty.”

2. He loved his players uniquely.

He loved his guys, in a healthy way and made no bones about it. Seasons would always begin with a three-day getaway, where players bonded, played games, (but not football), apologized for any shortcomings from the past season, and sang songs. Frosty would always remind them how much he cared for them as people, learning about their family background and future dreams. They actually acted like a family.

3. He helped his players see the big picture.

Sometimes, Frosty halted practice to have players spend five minutes gazing beyond the towering evergreens at Mount Rainier. At other times, he’d pause practice to have players go to other sporting events and cheer on fellow athletes at the school. He always halted two-a-day practices in the fall to have his players help the freshmen move into their dorms. All of this, he felt, helped them remember who they were.

4. He modeled selflessness for his guys.

An airline pilot wrote Frosty to thank him after a flight. Why? Because his team had flown on that flight and showed unusual respect to all the crew. They entertained everyone by clicking their seatbelts in unison, then lined up on the jetway to form a “go tunnel” high-fiving all the crew as they exited the plane. A janitor at an opposing school wrote the president saying Frosty’s team left the locker room in spotless condition, arranging the chairs impeccably. A note was left on the whiteboard wishing them a merry Christmas and that they would get some great time with family.

5. He sang with his players.

Freshmen players would stand on a chair during their first week together and sing their high school fight song or a round of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Frosty had them singing all the time. He believed deeply in singing, before and after games, and whenever a moment reminded the team of a song—they’d sing it, pop songs, kids songs, Christmas songs, birthday songs, etc. Can you imagine opponents warming up before a game to singing on the other sideline, then losing to those singers? Why singing? Frosty believed when you sing, your consciousness is raised.

6. He taught his players to set their own standard.

Frosty had stern rules for his guys, including helping opposing players up from the field when his players knocked them down. After all, the privilege of playing football couldn’t occur without opponents. Eventually they set their own standards when they saw the influence of excellence. Troublemakers didn’t have to run sprints—because they felt that love motivated better than fear. Players needing discipline would receive what Frosty called “put ups” (instead of put downs). They got six a day.

7. He used athletics as a platform to teach life.

The bottom line? Frosty coached football to teach life. Practices, games, and every day were full of teachable moments he took advantage of. And lest you think he was some wimp, this former Marine Corps drill instructor coached 32 seasons at Pacific Lutheran without a losing record. He never mentioned playoffs to his team, but won four national titles and four runner-up finishes. He knew how to win at every level.

Do you lead your students with the big picture in mind?

In Generation iY, Generation Y, Leadership
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