When to End a Relationship
Healthy relationships sustain us. We need them. The latest AARP poll tells us that the number one reason for people using social media is not business networking, or learning something—it’s keeping in touch with friends and family. Yet, sometimes we, as leaders, must walk away from toxic relationships. Here are the ones I believe leaders must end, with no guilty feelings:
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The False Victim: Sooner or later people who identify as a victim will paint you as an oppressor. Victims always feel under attack by somebody; they want to be rescued. Believe it or not some people want to be victims so they don’t have to take responsibility for their lives.
The Narcissist: These people appear to be friends, but they’re really in love with themselves. They’re self-absorbed and are always talking about “me, myself and I.” They often fail to see the needs or importance of anyone else. It’s all about them.
The Chronic Downer: Like “Debbie Downer” from Saturday Night Live, these people always see the negative side of life; they are not happy, life is scarce and things are sure to go wrong. They seem to sap the fun out of almost any situation and they are critics of everything.
The Bully: Donald Miller says the quickest way to spot a bully is to notice what they laugh at. Bullies don’t laugh at themselves, they laugh at others. If someone makes fun of others but isn’t self deprecating, they’re not healthy. They manipulate people so they can look good.
The Underminer: These people are hard to spot at first. They’re nice to your face and seem to like you, but behind your back—they undermine your friendship. They gossip and backbite. In reality, they try to pit friends against friends so they look good. They’re two-faced.
The Flake: Sadly, these people may promise you everything, but fail to come through on their promises. They flake out on commitments, appointments, pledges and dates. Eventually, they lose the trust of others. No one can depend on them.
The Overly Religious: I love people who have a sincere, open and honest faith. They’re some of my favorite people. But when a person starts proof-texting using Bible verses to prove they’re right and others are wrong (even if it’s true) it’s unhealthy. They’re all about controlling others.
Interesting list Tim. It sounds like these come from a lot of experience accrued over thousands of interactions. Thanks for sharing candidly out of your experience.
Thanks for reading!
Wow, this is great Tim. Thank you.
Thanks for taking time to comment!
How do we end these toxic relationships responsibly?
That is the tricky part – and different for every situation. A general rule would be to make the break as clean and clear as possible. Prolonging the inevitable will only make it more difficult.
Great list! I think you should add “The Authority”–Someone who uses their position as a reason/excuse to push their own agenda, and expect you to follow along unquestioningly. They denigrate or ignore anyone who is not in lockstep with them. These people are especially dangerous if they are pastors who preach grace, but do not really understand or live it!
Great thoughts, thanks for sharing Jamie.
What if each of your parents are one of these? As an adult, what do you do? How can you honor your mother and father by ending the relationship?