Archives For Parenting

parenting

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to share with the Huffington Post community the following thoughts. I wanted to share them with you as well…

Everyone agrees that it’s a crime to neglect a child. That’s a no brainer. What we’ve failed to see for two decades is that over-parenting — not under-parenting — can do even more harm.

Psychologists have found that a kid without an attentive parent can be emotionally damaged — but soon discover they must find a way to fend for themselves. Children from over-parented homes can just plain fail to develop at all.

The Bully Issue

Dieter Wolke, Ph.D, Professor of Developmental Psychology at The University of Warwick Medical School in the UK, and lead author of this study, gives a practical example of how this plays out: “Overprotection by parents can increase the risk a child will be bullied.” According to the study published last week in Child Abuse & Neglect, researchers conducted a meta-analysis of 70 studies on more than 200,000 children. “Since parental support and supervision are important aspects to prevent bullying, the researchers were particularly surprised to find that over-protective parenting can have adverse effects on children. Parents who try too hard to buffer their children from harm, they assessed, can actually hurt them.”

The goal of parenting, Dr. Wolke suggests, is to make children competent, self-regulating, and effective people. “Children need to deal with various forms of stress in mild doses — like an inoculation that helps the body to fight a real infection by having built antibodies. Similarly, children do need to experience some conflict to learn how to deal with larger problems, such as bullying.”

Five Action Steps

So, what’s the answer? Either extreme — abandonment or abundance — is wrong. So how do we nurture young people, but not over-do it? The parents and teachers I know who equip students to handle bullying and other difficulties on campus practice the following action steps:

1. Teach your kids problem solving skills.

Instead of conditioning our young people to “depend on parents” to fix what’s wrong, why not cultivate a “problem-solving bias” in them, to understand and resolve their problems — whether it’s a low test score, a bully on the bus, or a deadline they can’t meet. This builds a can-do attitude in them, a resilient spirit as they encounter challenges and it prepares them for life.

2. Discuss the art of negotiation.

Much of life is about negotiating conflict with others and resolving it with a win/win solution or a compromise. I’ve spent years talking to my son, Jonathan, about negotiating conflict with difficult peers when they disagreed or with teachers when an assignment seemed impossible. This deepens their logic, empathy and ability to communicate. It’s a skill they will use the rest of their lives.

3. Build emotional intelligence in your kids.

EQ, not IQ, is the greatest predictor of success for young people, both as students and later as graduates. Emotional intelligence enables a person to be self-aware; to manage their own emotions; to be socially aware (how are people connected or disconnected with each other) and to manage relationships. When we build healthy EQ in our kids, we prepare them to be more resilient. (Note: we’re currently creating two new books called Habitudes and Emotional Intelligence).

4. Help them set and manage expectations.

I believe that much of life is about setting and managing healthy, realistic expectations. Kids become unhealthy when they just can’t seem to navigate what to expect (or feel entitled to) and the reality they face. For example, while we wish everyone was kind and empathetic, even grown adults can be… uh, well, immature. Prepare your kids for hardship; tell them life can be tough. It’s normal.

5. Don’t do it for them.

Whatever you do, as your kids grow older, move from “doing it for them” to “helping them learn to do it themselves.” Don’t give them a fish; teach them to fish. By age 10, when they can’t finish a project or meet a deadline, or make a practice, have them call their teacher or coach. Teach them to apologize for mistakes. If need be, go to the teacher with them, even hold their hand, but have them do the talking. It works.

Talk to me. What would you add to this list?

For more information on how to connect with your kids, check out “Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future” 

 

leading-kids

I am all about leading the next generation well. Our new tag line at Growing Leaders is Preparing Tomorrow’s Leaders Today. That’s it in a nutshell. So, in today’s blog, I want to furnish some practical ideas on leading young people that any caring adult can use. See what you think…and please add to the list in the comment section: 

1. Enlist your kids in their own growth.

Effective parents I know allow their children (ages 8 and up) to choose their own rewards and punishments. Our instinct is to seize control and order our kids around, but that hasn’t worked too well for many. When we enlist our kids in their own upbringing or class regiment, we give them skills for life. Teachers can do the same thing in class. Let students and their peers choose rewards and disciplines, and let them become judge and jury for each other. This helps them “own” it.

2. Get creative in conflict resolution.

When students hit a speed bump with each other and conflict arises, they often resort to a “my way or the highway” mindset. Why not follow the example of many effective teachers and parents who’ve adapted a conflict resolution process from the Harvard Negotiation Project, used in peace talks and union strikes:

  • Separate the kids for a few minutes to let the emotions calm a bit.
  • Encourage them to come up with two to three solutions, not just their own.
  • Vote on a winner, involving both peers and caring adults. 

3. Connect them with their heritage.

Some families I know play a little game called, “Do You Know?” At a meal, they ask, “Do you know where your grandparents grew up?” Or, “Do you know how your parents met?” Or, “Do you know someone in your family who overcame a life or death hardship?” This is not only amusing, but it connects them with their past. Teachers can do the same type of thing with classmates, other faculty or coaches. It’s a healthy exercise helping a “Touch Screen” generation take a break from Google. 

4. Create environments for them to connect with adults.

Did you know that the majority of a teen’s time each week is spent with peers, not adults? As kids grow, they spend less time with the demographic they will need to know how to connect with—as they become adults. So, why not plan parties that adults attend, but have kids host them? Or, set up mentoring meals where your student can meet an adult who has a job in the field they want to enter. These inter-generational connections cultivate emotional intelligence in kids and enable them to feel more comfortable with future bosses.

What would you add to this list?

 

iStock_000018452035Small

Yesterday, I shared with the Huffington Post community the following thoughts that I wanted to share with you as well…

We live in complex times. As I work with thousands of parents and faculty each year, I’m increasingly convinced we have a more engaged set of adults who care about kids today than at any time since I began my career in 1979. Simultaneously, however, I am observing a more troubled population of kids, especially by the time they reach their teen years. It appears at first like an oxymoron. How can such a cared-for generation experience such emotional difficulties?

Today, more kids struggle with depression and anxiety than at any time in modern times. In The Price of Privilege, Dr. Madeline Levine argues America’s newly-defined at-risk group is preteens and teens from affluent, well-educated families. In spite of their economic and social advantages, they experience the highest rates of depression, substance abuse, anxiety disorders and unhappiness of any group of children in this country. Adolescent suicide has quadrupled since 1950.

Diagnosing the Emotional Health Problem in Many Kids Today

As I speak to psychologists and career counselors, I’ve begun to hear a term over and over, as they describe the emotional state of young people. This term appears to be a paradox, but it aptly defines perhaps millions of adolescents in America:

“High Arrogance, Low Self-esteem”

How can someone be cocky, yet not have a healthy sense of identity? Consider the reality they face. In a recent undergraduate survey, Dr. Art Levine reports that grade inflation has skyrocketed. In 1969, only 7 percent of students said their grade point average was an A- or higher. In 2009, it was 41 percent. In that same time period, students having a C average dropped from 25% to 5%. But with grade inflation at an all-time high, it’s surprising to note that 60 percent of students believe their grades understate the true quality of their work. They believe they deserve a higher mark. One has to wonder — are kids that much smarter than forty years ago, or do we just give them higher grades to keep the customer? The fact is, while student scores continue to decline when compared to other nations, the one statistic that remains constant is that our kids continue to assume they’re awesome.

Sheltered by parents, teachers and coaches who fear that unhappy kids are a poor reflection on them, we have rewarded them quickly, easily and repeatedly. Kids naturally begin believing they are amazing. Case in point: My son recently took part in a theatre arts competition. Parents paid dearly to enable their kid to get on stage, and now I know why. Every single student got a medal, just for showing up. When they performed, they received extra medals. The medal levels were: gold, high gold and platinum. (Did you notice that gold was the lowest award possible?) Here’s the clincher. If your kid didn’t get the award he wanted, trophies were on sale after the competition. This is not uncommon. Kids today have received trophies for ninth place in Little League baseball. They get fourth-runner up medals at competitions. Ribbons and stars are given out routinely. Of course they are arrogant. With little effort, they’ve been awarded a prize.

The problem is, as they age, they begin to suspect this affirmation is skewed. In fact, mom may be the only one telling them they’re “special” or amazing. By college, kids meet all kinds of other “special” students, who are as smart or athletic as they are. Between the ages of 17-24, kids now experience their first real “failure.” They bump up against hardship and difficulty and often aren’t resilient enough to bounce back. Truth be told, when a kid has been told they are “excellent” without working hard or truly adding value to a team, it rings hollow to them. We must realize that our affirmation must match their performance. Low self-esteem hits them at this point (often their freshmen or sophomore year in college) because they suddenly recognize their esteem may be built on a foundation of sand.

Solving the Emotional Health Problem in Many Kids Today

My point is not to suggest your child isn’t special in his own right. My point is that this is only part of the story. In preparing our young people for adulthood, we must give them a sense of the big picture. We must drip doses of reality with all the praise. When I see troubled kids from upper-middle class homes, it makes me wonder:

• Question: Are they fragile because they’ve been sheltered?

• Question: Are they unmotivated because they’ve been praised too quickly?

• Question: Do they get anxious or fearful because they’ve never taken risks?

• Question: Are they self-absorbed because they’ve been rewarded so often?

• Question: Do they move back home after college because they’re ill-prepared?

I believe two sets of messages must be communicated to students during the first two decades of their life. Sadly, very often only one set of messages gets through. The first ten years, we must communicate childhood messages. If we have done this well, they are prepared for necessary adolescent messages that prepare them for a challenging adult world:

Childhood Messages 

1.You are loved.

2. You are unique.

3. You have gifts

4. You are safe.

5. You are valuable.

Adolescent Messages

1. Life is difficult.

2. You are not in control.

3. You are not that important.

4. You are going to die.

5. Your life is not about you.

I recognize this may sound harsh, but I find myself having to communicate the second set of messages far too often to a college student. If we love these students, we will relay both messages. They deserve the truth from us and they deserve a childhood that prepares them for the life that awaits them as adults. Whether they are emotionally ready as they enter adult life… will be up to us.

Artificial-Maturity-blog

Want to learn more about how to raise emotionally healthy kids?  Bring home a copy of Artificial Maturity to drill deeper.

 

brain-building-craft

Today’s blog is a guest post by Keri Zingle. Keri is a mother of two and the founder of Craft Caravan, which sends monthly craft supplies to kids in the mail. She’s found ways to engage younger students in an EPIC fashion. I love the fact that she’s found ways to be creative with students and get beyond the “talking head” and the “lecture, drill, test method.” It’s all about creating. Thanks Keri for your words:

In this fast-paced digital age, kids are spending more time participating in structured activities and navigating electronic devices, and less time with unstructured self-directed play. Research tells us, however, that kids need unstructured playtime and physical hands-on experiences to help them establish important neural connections for lifelong learning.

One of the easiest ways to ensure this open hands-on time for preschoolers is to get them involved with crafts. Beyond the obvious creative outlet, crafts are also an ideal way to let kids develop their own plans and see them through. They can safely take small risks, explore new ideas and materials, make mistakes, and overcome challenges, nurturing their confidence along the way.

Parents might panic as they visualize a huge mess with limited space and time, but crafts don’t have to be complicated for kids to have fun and learn. Here are some tips to help make craft time a success:

Plan craft time, but don’t plan the activity in detail

Let’s face it; if it’s not in the schedule, it won’t happen, so plan a weekly time to pull out the craft supplies. Offer project suggestions or ideas to get the kids started, but let them guide themselves down the path as much as possible.

Offer support, but not specific direction

While doing crafts, the kids will likely check in often and may need help from a parent or caregiver. Be careful that well-intentioned assistance doesn’t turn into telling the child what to do or making decisions for them. Encourage them by asking questions instead of giving answers.

Make supplies accessible and easy to use

Keep craft supplies close to where they will be used, and within reach of the kids. Provide supplies in open containers, portioning them out over craft sessions so that they get well used. Pour glue onto a plastic lid or plate and provide craft sticks or paint brushes for spreading.

Join in by working on your own projects

Take out some other work or use the craft supplies to make your own project instead of working on your child’s crafts. When kids and caregivers work along side, the caregiver is available but not micromanaging, and the child can be independent but secure.

Focus on the process, not the product

Learning happens throughout the craft process, not as a result of an end product. Kids will feel accomplished and excited just through the activity itself. Support them by acknowledging effort, commenting on small details, or asking questions.

Little crafters won’t paint a perfect picture or build an awe-inspiring structure, but they’ll be doing what’s most important to their development; learning through open-ended, hands-on play, and brain building along the way.

To learn more about Keri and Craft Caravan, visit www.craftcaravan.com.

 

Yesterday afternoon, I shared with the Huffington Post community, “Stuff I Wish Kids Knew Today”. I’ve decided to make that article the blog post for today as well. Enjoy!

life-lessons

Last week, I spent time in Southern California—not a bad place to hang out. While I was there, however, I was reminded of some life lessons I’d forgotten. I watched ordinary people walking, hiking, biking, enjoying the ocean, and the weather. The day reminded me that many of the messages the media in our culture is sending us…and even more so, sending our young people…just aren’t true. May I remind you of some of those life lessons?

1. You don’t have to buy something to have fun.

Let’s be honest. We are conditioned today to be consumers. It’s affected all of us. While there’s nothing wrong with making purchases for things we need, I was reminded that I don’t have to buy anything to have fun. I was with people I love and we walked and talked, sat in the sun and for a long time…didn’t spend any money. It is possible to re-condition our minds to experience happiness that requires no cash.

2. You don’t have to own something to enjoy it.

Many of the people I saw were enjoying a bike or a boat that belonged to someone else. They either rented it or had a friend who owned it. To be honest, many of my friends own possessions I cannot afford. I have learned to enjoy them and their owners, and not feel like I “need” one too. I am not endorsing “freeloading.” I’m just saying I don’t need to feel the pressure of calling it “mine.”

3. You don’t have to be in class to learn something.

Far too often, we categorize our lives and think that learning is done in school, and pleasure is experienced on weekends. Work is not fun; play is fun. I think that’s faulty thinking. I can learn anywhere and experience fulfillment in a classroom or an amusement park. I can make my hardest task an adventure and find fulfillment in it. If I’m alert, most of my learning will be outside of class and it can last a lifetime.

4. You don’t have to hear something, to be entertained.

So much of our culture is full of noise and clutter. There is something to see and hear almost anywhere you go. This not only numbs us emotionally, (we’re overwhelmed) but it fosters our need for outside sources to entertain us. It’s healthier to be in a place where I don’t need a video game, a show, a movie or a song to be entertained or stimulated. I can learn to enjoy life with little help from artificial sources.

5. You don’t need a screen to cultivate friendships.

Most kids today spend more time interacting with friends on a screen than they do face to face. Thanks to smart phones, tablets and laptops containing Facebook, iChat, text messages, Instagram, and other social media outlets, it’s easy to interact virtually rather than personally and face to face. Sadly, most communication is non-verbal. When we use a screen our emotional intelligence fails to grow as efficiently.

6. You don’t need outside stimulation to get motivated.

Due to non-stop external stimuli like video games, TV, movies, Wii, computer games, iPods and YouTube, we’ve learned to depend on outside noise or visuals to motivate ourselves. Let’s face it: most of us need music and coffee to wake up in the morning. We’ve learned to need “stuff” to get us to do what we should do. What did people do before technology? I think they somehow developed internal motivation.

We all know that technology is not going away. Personally, I love the conveniences it offers. This is just a simple reminder to not depend on “stuff” to artificially produce a healthy, happy person. Those are God-given gifts and they’re already inside you.