Three Huge Mistakes We Make Leading Kids…and How to Correct Them

So true! I only hope the parents that need this most will read it. As with other commenters, I see the results of making these mistakes in my college classroom. It’s not an exaggeration at all! As a parent that tries to implement this, it is amazing how many elementary/middle school teachers don’t understand. I have often had to explain why I don’t check to see if a 10 year old or 12 year old has done their homework completely. I want them to experience the consequences of their work ethic when it doesn’t have lifelong consequences! So, what’s an F in 4th grade, compared to 11th grade,or college. Or worse, not meeting a work deadline.

I will be sharing this with some many of my friends and with my own teenage children. As a parent, if I can help them understand why I do what I do, it works for us.

I am a mother of 2 grown sons and gma of 8, this was such a good read and on target for this generation of kids/parents. I wish all would read for those that apply, but, as we all know, this will not happen. Somehow, along the way we as parents have lost so many skills to pitying our kids, doing for them, buying love, and the list goes on, what are they doing? Ruining our children and the next generation of responsible adults.

AMEN . . .

Loved this article. It reinforces our parenting style. Example – my 11 year old recently interviewed for a trip abroad through CISV. When I shared my pride in his performance at a solo interview with 2 adults (they told me afterward) with a small group of parents their collective gasp and questions about ‘Would you really let him go?!’ were a perfect example of this article. Sadly, he wasn’t selected but his willingness to go through the interview process – and (as 2 other parents recently pointed out) – to even want to go on the trip- makes me the proudest Mom.
I give credit to my parents who allowed me to major in Spanish & take 2 significant trips abroad during college that completely influenced my development.

I totally agree with this article. I am a mom of 4 teenagers, 13 to 19. The other day my 13 year old said “Mom, how come you are not that happy that I raised my grade from D to C?” A simple answer; there was no effort on your side to do that, I know you could easily have an A if you just made an effort. Kids now a days want praise for everything, even for eating a vegetable in their plate, that is totally absurd. Some things they just have to do because they are part of a family, part of society. Chores without pay, help others, volunteer etc… Also kids have to take responsability for their actions, not parents backing up every little detail in there life!
Great article

I love this!!! There are too many parents at the primary school collecting their senior school kids from their classrooms(!!) when the child would be perfectly able to carry their own schoolbag 100 metres down the street to the car.

I call my parenting style ‘survival of the fittest’. If you can reach it you can eat it, if you are thirsty you can help yourself from the tap. If you break it you clean it up and then don’t have it anymore. We have a trampoline and gymset outside and the kids (even the 4 year old) regularly play out in the cul de sac on bikes and scooters. If we run out of milk or bread the 9 year old gets on her bike and rides to the shop to buy more.

The result of requiring my kids to ‘do it for themselves’ – my 9 year old can cook a meal for the entire family by herself. My 4 year old knows to wear sneakers so he doesn’t rip apart another toe when riding on the bikes. He can walk himself to the gate to meet me after school and walk himself into school in the mornings. My teen has a part time job that she juggles around her study and still manages decent grades. They know their limits and are willing to have a crack at anything, even when they feel it could be a little dangerous. I would rather they learn these lessons BEFORE they learn to drive, so they might be less likely to wrap themselves around a power pole at speed.

Keep up the great articles!

Great article! Spot on! Definitely should be required reading for parents & teachers!

Love it! I am often told by helicopter parents that I should be at the park, get my kid out of the tree or off of the top bar of the swing set. I am told I should fix their problems, and that I shouldn’t let them have such freedoms. It is nice to read an article that says to let my kids have these freedoms and risks. I love my kids but lets be real my job is to equip them for adulthood and then release them on the world, not to hold their hand and do everything for them. I read an article when my 11 yr old was 2 that said we are abusing our Children by over protecting them and I agreed. But I have not seen anything as direct or pointed towards letting go as htis article since then. THanks.

This article is everything I see with parents now adays, and it frustrates me. These kids are never gonna grow up to be productive citizens because they can hardly function and make decisions on their own.

Share Share Share. I want so badly for other parents to “get it.” I’ve started to be an advocate for this kind of philosophy. I’m tired of my children having to live with others’ ideas of coddling and protection. It’s hard for me to fight for them when the coddling& over protective parents have been the loudest. No running, playing on the ice, no this, no that at every turn. Prizes for everyone. No losers. No failed tests. My 12 year old daughter’s soccer team STILL has scoreless games?? Grade 8 graduation has turned into the likes of grade 12 prom. It’s excessive. It’s ridiculous. It’s hard to stay grounded when EVERYONE else is doing it. My girls are growing older and noticing their “spoiled” other friends. Kids that don’t know how to actually do anything like laundry, cut the lawn or cook. We are raising adults, preparing them for the real world since they were little, making our job obsolete. That IS the goal of parenting.

I am a substitute teacher and I am often encouraged to use the teacher’s/school’s reward system for behavior. I am supposed to give out tickets for kids who help, kids who are polite, kids who walk quietly in line, kids who do their work in class. I even was at a school recently where they awarded the kids points all day, every day for things like “Good Class Participation”, “Good Following Work Expectations”, “Good Entering Classroom Expectations”, etc. There was a computer program to handle all the data. I am uncomfortable rewarding behaviors that should be simply expected and I sometimes ignore the rewards systems. Is there a better way to handle this?

I used to tell my kids, “the best help I can give you is NO help”. I’m raising adults, not kids. I agree with letting them tumble, fall, forget things, etc. That’s reality. Great article!

more teachers and parents should read your article, it speaks volumes of truth in todays society

“The first group of students who were told they were smart, did worse. The second group did 30% better.”

Sure they did. They had twice the test-writing practice (two tests) as the first group (one test).

Sooo true…I believe a lot of it started with Children having hurt feelings over not winning one of the typical three awards when joining a sport…the end result was everyone got a medal for participating. I do not think it should be that way. We stopped making our children strive for advancement, because parents would make sure they got there. Children need to know that when they get older, they have to be the ones to go out there and become someone..mommy and daddy are not going to get it for them.

Excellent article!!! SO TRUE! I guess I must be doing something right because my soon to be 5 yr old daughter already hates me! Of course it’s only when she hasn’t gotten what she wanted or is told to do this before getting that, etc. I strongly believe in discipline, manners, responsability, letting them make choices and dealing with consequences! I have my daughter and 3.5yr old twins and we often get comments for restaurant waiters, or staff in other places about how well behaved they are. It’s simple, we have a responsability as parents to teach our children how to behave in social situations, how to contribute to society, how to be responsible for their actions…. mind you some parents could use a little teaching themselves (kids mimic and if we don’t say please and thank you, hold the doors for others, put trash in the bin, etc then we’ll always have “those” people that treat others like dog poo!).

I love this article!! I see way too many parents who believe they need to fill their kids full of esteem so no one can knock them down…. but really a child who can’t make a single move without looking for praise is horrible! I see this all too often. My children are learning to do things for themselves, no matter what it is. I was raised the old way, my children will be also. No way will I have snotty back talking, rude, selfish, immature children running around who believe it is my job to get them through the day. I am a mother, I am not looking to make friends, I’m not looking to have “happy” children, I am looking to have my children grow up into happy, prepared adults, who I’ll be able to talk to and be around, and not bailing them out of trouble. I love my kids too much to allow them to go down the smae path many parents are following.

My philosophy as a mom has always been that if my kids are taking risks when they’re little, they are usually smaller risks with less potential harm. I’d rather my child try to be a hot dog on the monkey bars and fall (maybe chip a tooth or fracture something), than have them start being a daredevil behind the wheel of a car where they can kill themselves and others. I hated having little critters, because they frequently die–and nobody wants to tell their little one that “Fluffy” has gone to pet heaven. But allowing them to learn what a heartache is simply teaches them that it’s survivable, and normal. So many of life’s lessons are critical to learn at an early age, and by insulating and rescuing the next generation we never let them grow.

According to a study by University College London, risk-taking behavior peeks during adolescence.

That would be ‘peaks’, not ‘peeks’.

Good article, but you mean ‘peaks’ here: “…risk-taking behavior peeks during adolescence.”

I enjoyed this article! One of our mantras to our kids is “Our job is to raise you to be adults who can function in the REAL world!”. My experience of this shift that has happened since the 80′s is in the world of music festivals. I grew up learning piano and saxophone and performing in music festivals every year. It was challenging and I had moments that I HATED (such as the time I had a complete memory lapse while playing a Mozart Sonata and had to make the long walk to the adjudicator’s table to pick up the music to try again…) and moments of great success (in both instances I learned valuable lessons). There was first, second and third places given in each class. Nowadays music festivals (at least where we are from) have watered down the competition. In fact, there is NO competition because someone decided it ‘hurts’ kid’s feelings if they don’t win. They no longer give firsts, seconds, or thirds, everyone gets a medal and certificate just for playing and, in some cases, there is not even a mark given at all! Kids are not stupid. They know who performs better and who failed. This system certainly doesn’t motivate kids to work hard and do better, in my opinion. Thanks for a great article!

I’ve experienced all of these examples and have seen and heard i might add the most spoiled adult kids . Their decision making skills are non-existent, coping skills nil, have no sense of money or finances, common sense is out the door, and seem to just stumble through life calling Mommy or Daddy after every mistake which are endless. It scares me for the future…..this is what we are leaving to RUN the plantet!!!!????

I agree with most of this article. Kids need to play and take risks, and learn responsibilty,and consequences. My 2 year old helps clean her room, she puts her wrappers in the garbage and dishes in the sink when she’s done. When we go to the park she climbs everything she can reach. I want her to explore, and have fun. I want her to have responsibility and consequences. However, we don’t live in a world where children can go out and play by themselves like they used to. Predators are everywhere. It’s a scary world out there, and I completely understand why a parent would want to have a helicopter follow their child. There are sick people ready to do horrible things to sweet children, and I for one don’t care what the consequences are for me protecting my child.

On yard duty at my school kids are no allowed to do any of the fun things from my childhood. No throwing snow, no sliding on the ice, no jumping from snow hills or sliding down, no climbing trees, no football, etc. The list goes on and on… For fear of injury we sacrifice so much!

I love this article! One thing I learned from it that I’ll be more cognizant of in the future is to praise their hard work instead of their intelligence. I see many children who are completely indulged their every whim and my co-worker and I wonder how they will grow up to be as adults. Unfortunately, we have a product of this kind of up-bringing who works with us and it’s painful for everyone to have to deal with! The unfortunate truth here is that there will be those who “disagree” with what you’re saying here in this article because they don’t want to change what they’re doing. I know some people who would read this and completely not get it! Thank you for this article, I will share it and hopefully someone else will learn something from it as I did!

I thought the article was right on que, awesome. Did my best raising my two daughters without a father figure I’m sure some things weren’t exact but the are pretty much in reality about how the world works. Once again great article.

My downfall may be rescuing too quickly. I want them to see that we are a family and we take care of each other. So if it is possible for me to help them out, and they ask for and appreciate my assistance, I try to give it. I’m trying to hang back more as they get older, in my opinion they are still little (the oldest is seven) but I think a mothers opinion may be that the kids are always “little.” Great points and good concrete advice on ways to improve. I love articles that point out what you can do differently instead of just how parents are doing it all wrong. Thanks!

Great article. I often let my girls work things out and only step in if it starts to get really volatile. I ask a few questions, like what part did you play in this problem. I also ask them to tell me what they think the solution is. My role as a parent is not to solve every problem for them but to facilitate good dialogue and problem solving. We also role play at home so that they can take that information to the playground. The only time I get involved in school is when someone has been hit or physically bullied. I have again helped my girls problem solve other issues with friends. Sometimes, my own mother thinks that my style of parenting is too laid back but she doesn’t understand that it is very calculated. I strategically make the decision to not intervene ect.

I must agree with the author. I live very close to a primary/elementary school where parents, etc park for poll position. They’ll sit there for up to 90 minutes in their cars, engine on to power the air conditioner for the heat. They don’t seem to think their little mites can walk further than merely across the road from the school.

I have had parents tell me that they could never let their children what we let our children do. One of the reasons being that our children are more mature than theirs. Every time I feel like telling them, “Love, it’s because you won’t let them grow up”. I have also been told a few times that we are ‘alternative parenting style’ parents. What? Except for the missing factors of using wooden spoons, razor straps and what have you to discipline our children, it is parenting based on what we use to do.

I do not agree with the idea of helicoptering parents as abusive. Sure, it is abusive but not intentionally for parents today are making their decisions based on the information handed to them, as flawed and incorrect as it is, by media and Government Departments. We are goaded into raising our kids based on fear of the non-existent.

Fantastic, about time somebody said this clearly and articulately!! Bring back the monkey bars!!

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Begin with your own child and watch how that child radiates towards the
other Worlds Children.” Ambassador Renate

The International Center
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David and Renate Jakupca
American Cultural Ambassador
Founders, ICEA

Full Story:
http://www.americantowns.com/oh/cleveland/news/building-the-national-coasttocoast-great-american-peace-trail-12949714

Excellent advice! We parents of this generation need to be reminded that our children are on “loan” to us to teach them to be functional and successful on their own as adults. Thank you for taking the risk of offending those parents who might feel the need to defend their child’s actions, right or wrong.

This was a very GOOD article, I see some mistakes I made. I now have grandchildren, and have to say, my daughter is following your tactics, alot better then I did. She is doing an excellent job, right on target with this article. This will help me now, to understand what my daughter has been trying to tell me, and I will now change some habits, in the way I have raising them, while they are with my husband and I. The visits to Grandma’s will be a little different now, we will all be on the same page. Thankyou for this vital information, which actually involves my grandkids future.

Hello Dr. Elmore. Your article is a appreciated and enlightening. Thank you for that.

I just built our little 7 year old girl an indoor jungle and fort, something like what you would see at the Rainforest Cafe. And in this jungle, she plays with her educational toys, reads books, and practices simple rules to stay safe while playing in the playroom and fort. I spent around 16 hours a day for 7 days, preparing this room for her, during which time she was made well aware of what efforts were being put forth and why. She was encouraged to, and practiced much patience during the waiting time, and was gently educated on the value of the work.

Now, as she has been enjoying it for two days, and has already had a friend visit and enjoy it with her, she has shown appreciation, responsibility, and value towards this new and fun environment.

She is not a child who gets everything she wants, nor does she go without learning from loss and hardship. I just wanted to ask your opinion on the subject of spoiling her with this gift (jungle) and if what she does when she is in there are signs of healthy encouragement and time spent?

Ok. Meanest Granny on the block here.
And former teacher of the gifted who probably was toughest teacher in the hall, too. But my grandkids still say they love me because we do stuff like geocaching and long dog walk & talks. And my students skipped lunch and recess to come to my classroom and work on challenging projects or play chess.
Praying that this message gets to those who need it the most.

Excellent article. Makes me believe there is still hope for this generation of young people.

The article while good left out one very important component that has helped lead the charge into our over protective/ helicopter/ parenting styles and why we wear shin guards and helmets and more.
Namely in the last 30yrs or so we as a country have become more and more litigious, we sue at the drop of a hat. Look at a playground or park today it bears very little resemblance to one of 30yrs or less ago. And the same goes for so many sports and more. If a child gets hurt, then it’s not the child’s fault or an accident, someone must be held accountable and so parents sue. Sometimes rightly, but not always. We sue about everything, anything and nothing. You can tell this just by the warning stickers, on a hair dryer Do Not Use while in the shower or bathtub, and so many more. Coffee temps were brought down due to the woman suing McD’s. We sue anyone for anything and if there’s a child involved it’s even better. Now some of that is good, some but not all. So now everyone’s afraid to do things for fear of being sued.
The article was good in it’s other areas and are the basis for a lot of problems happening. Everyone gets a trophy, wow that’s going to work real well when job hunting time comes. I have friends who are college professors and they are constantly deluged by parental requests, which is ridiculous.
My daughter is in her first yr of college. She spent a yr living completely off the grid growing up. She learned how to fend for herself and others. Since she was 12 she has spent every summer from early June to mid Aug traveling around the country, practicing and performing. She has flown solo all over the country several times and taken a greyhound bus trip that was 24hrs long to get to her destination with a couple of long layovers. She made it fine, took awhile for the luggage to arrive. But on that trip I do admit I added the precaution of pepper spray and that at the behest of a coach who is also a cop.

We have a generation, sans a few, who have grownup with no imagination or very little and yet imagination is what keeps our humanity going. Who can think of the next big thing in science, medicine, and more. Geez children are getting in trouble for using their hands and saying bang bang, they are being suspended at the age of 5 for this and things like it.
We’ve also not taught our children respect for teachers whatever it is mommy/daddy will fix and sometimes they’ll fix it by suing. Childhood and thereby adulthood is and has changed and a lot of it isn’t pretty.

So as good as the article was they should have added in a 4th section about how litagous our society has become, the parents do it, kids watch then the kids will grow up and do it. And this is another reason why nothing ever comes out of the bubble wrap.

As a teacher my favorite comment to a student that did poorly on their test: “Hmmm. I guess you’ll have to study more next time.” At our school we have a no late paper policy. If a student turns a paper in late, they get a zero. (They get a pass if their parents notify the teacher in advance, or if they are sick.)

It is easy to spot students who have helicopter parents (or siblings). Just watch them, if they have trouble with doing something they EXPECT you to take over and do it for them. Years ago I correclty assumed all of my sixth grade students would know how to tie a balloon. Now I assume they don’t and plan on devoting part of a class to teaching more than half of them how to do this. Last week I had to show a student how to double up a rubberband. Parents, please let your children learn how to do things themselves. If they can’t do it right away, have them keep trying. Diligence is a skill, learned over many years of trying and failing, and trying yet again.

Thank you for a great article.

Great article and I agree with it all. Here’s my problem: I just adopted a 15 year old whose parents did everything you caution against. How to reprogram 15 years of entitlement and spoiling……

i cant like this enough! as a mother of four and a childcare provider for 13 years, these are things i have been teaching my own and others children for a long time. thank you for the cohesive report backing up my ” mom wisdom”
a point to add to the college phone call story. my sister is a lead geologist with a large petrochemical company and when they get new hires straight from university, they have a HR talk telling them how to deal with parents calling to check, argue , and negotiate better work reviews.
A child who skins his knee on a bike ride and then gets up and bikes home will discover that he really isnt helpless with out a parent around. its crazypants how we have taken away the chance to discover how well they can deal with adversity from our children.

Maybe just maybe if the “overparenting” or “helicopter” parent wasn’t so afraid of this sick world with pedophiles, kidnappers, serial killers or mass execution style killers they would be able to parent the “old fashioned” way. I’m pretty sure a mother who lost their child to a kidnapper doesn’t go around saying “if only I was a percect mother like Dr. Tim teaches.” Come on people get real. This is the NEW world we live in. The world of the sick deranged lunatic who prey on the children. I will helicopter and overparent any day. My children are all just fine. Sleep happy and safe. Also have learned respect. Imagine that. I think it’s actually called love?

I was raised with the so called silver spoon. I guess you could say OLD MONEY. I had EVERYTHING handed to me. I was paid to do chores like go to the store, wash the car. Maybe bribed. I didn’t really need to do those things because we had help. I had the best of everything. My father paid the teachers to give me passing grades just because. We would ususally travel. So life was GOOD. I am now raising my children the exact same way. We faithfully go to church, make donations, support every cause. We make donations to organic farms. We donate our time and money to food shelters and orphanages. The exact same way as my parents. We contribute to society in so many ways. We all have respect for everything and everybody. I spoil mychildren beyond belief. You name it we have it. There is NOTHING I wouldn’t do for my children. We are healthy, happy and wealthy. What more could you want? LIFE IS GOOD!

I LOVE THIS ARTICLE!!!

frist and foremost teachers shouldnt even be in the equation because they dont do anything . the parents r the ones who r teaching the kids. the article is only 20% right. the rest is basically bullshit. thats my opinion . your welcome

I think its also important to not give your child the impression that there’s something wrong with them just because that arent EXACTLY the same as all the other kids. after your child has been picked on all day at school, the last thing they need is to go home and feel just as rejected by their parents as by their peers. and if this continues , they might grow up feeling worthless and not care about anything. and then comes the intravenous drug use.

Amazing article! As a teacher and a parent I see the consequences of not doing these things. I was tough on my children. They made many mistakes I did not fix. But now they are successful adults who know how to win and, more importantly, how to fail with grace and overcome setbacks. I see this in the students I teach how much hovering there is and how scared these kids are to both succeed and fail. It’s a terrible tragedy because so many of them have real talent!

So now get the sue-happy parents to understand that these bumps, bruises and minor accidents are part of life! Don’t sue the school because your child had an accident running on the playground.

When I was a substitute teacher I was once chastised by the principal for giving a student a B for a bumper sticker design because he had misspelled a word in his slogan. ” You have insulted one of our best students. Advertising is his career choice.” I was not about to change my grade. The fact that the student immediately ran to the principal to protest his grade, varifies your observations in this article.

Hi Tim, I loved your article. It’s not too different in ideas to those of Sir Ken Robinson’s TED talk on schools killing creativity, check it out if you haven’t seen it. I work in the Irish school system and the parents and management of my school need to read this piece. Common sense, but when, as in our case, the management is dictated to by the parents and as a result students can pretty much do as they like, similar to the college student disputing her C-, the consequences are dreadful. Every year my school produces a class of school leavers many of whom are ill-equipped for real life. I think we will see this pattern increase in coming years because the moral majority are afraid of forward thinking like yours.

Absolutely right! I remember taking off with my friends for the day on our bicycles. Alone, Without helmets knee pads elbow-pads WITHOUT CELLPHONES!

Awesome. we need conscious, self directed effort to fight of all the distorted messages received through the medias.

When did a “c” become a failing grade? Ridiculous! Our country is so messed up. Dr. Elmore must live in the year 1955.

Independence is so important to children, but especially when they are young, they need to know you are there in case they do fall and get hurt. Don’t use independence as an excuse for negligence. You can be present, and still let your child make his or her own decisions.

do you actually have any kids yourself Tim?

Brilliant article, and sadly, al too true.

I could not agree with you more!!! Thank you for putting in to print what many of us have been saying for a while!!

This is so dead-on. I’m a product of the “feel good” generation, and I realized that it affected me in exactly these ways. Our parents meant very well, but they didn’t realize that it was actually making us less prepared for the real world. The cognitive dissonance of praise without accomplishment definitely registered in my brain as a child, but I couldn’t identify it until I was much older.
EDIT: I accidentally a word.

I have a friend who her homerschools son. She never tells him he is smart She tells him is that he works hard and deserves the rewards that he earns. When he imspehaves they discuss what he did wrong before the discuss and the consequences of his actins and how he should be punished (usually by writing a paper detailing his disdoings and the consequemces). What he learns is is to think about his actions in a mature manner and to weight the comsequences.

I am getting tired of the often used excuse that teenagers brains “just haven’t finished growing”. I get that. I understand that this accounts for some risky behaviour and bad choices. It does not however explain the disrespect and lack of consequences I see too often in kids. C’mon…when we did it, we knew there were consequences, so better try harder not to get caught. Parents are so protective that kids have difficulty in rebelling.
Isn’t the job of parents to raise this beautiful child to become an independent and contributing member of society? If our ancestors raised children the way that seems to be the “norm” now, our species would have died out.
I overhead a conversation at the doctors office. The doctor said to his receptionist, “I saw a little boy about 6 walking to school, carrying his backpack all alone today.’ She said, ” That kid has a bad mother”. Really??? That is so wrong n sooooo many levels but it is what parents face all the time.
When did it happen that the needs of the children completely superceded the needs of the parents (or anyone else?)? Unfortunately, too many kids are entering the world thinking they are the centre of the universe. It’s going to be a harsh wakeup call one day…

Being spoiled is one of the greatest handicaps you can offer a child. It creates anger, and an insecurity that can follow a child all of their life. Positive Discipline techniques talk about the differences between praise and encouragement. Praise is like giving a baby icing, encouragement is the basic building blocks of protein and vitamins.

We have to recognize that children have the right to learn from their mistakes from the time they are babies, if we deny them this, then we take their inalienable right to be a full and self realized person. Sadly, so many grow up with no real sense of their own person-hood, how could they understand their child’s? If you don’t understand these concepts, you probably could use a parenting class.

My parents, fortunately, didn’t spoil me.
And for a time, I resented them greatly for not doing what other parents were doing, not giving me what other parents were giving.
Today, I’m so grateful… even if I’m not some over-achiever, life still gives me trouble, I don’t have all the answers nor do I deal with every curve-ball in the best possible way.
But I’m at least of the mindset, that nothing is a given, in life. You get what you earn, problems don’t solve themselves and there is not always a bailout around the corner.
Resourcefulness is more important than resources… and imagination/creativity can often be more crucial than knowledge!

We must get used to the idea that there are boundaries and limitations everywhere. I’m not preaching complacency toward e.g. unjust rules/law or toward artificial boundaries/limitations imposed upon us.
What I am saying, to properly understand potentials and possibilities, to be able to work with or around the limitations of ourselves and the environment, we must grow up experiencing those very things!

I agree with the gist of the article, but strongly disagree with some of the finer details, but especially with the matter of praising children.

Parents and teachers don’t ‘rave’ too easily. That is not a fair statement. And over praising causing problems is not really what the studies show – it’s showing the negative consequences for certain TYPES of praising.

The studies show that we rave at the WRONG thing, it’s not that we shouldn’t praise and encourage our kids. Unfortunately, too many parents rave/praise their children so they become extrinsic learners, rather than intrinsic. We encourage our children to seek reward, rather than getting the reward in learning in and of itself. Children might seek a prize, but ignore the prize of doing the right thing. We unintentionally encourage our children to seek approval from the world around them, rather than being right by their own sense of justice.

But we don’t fix this problem by praising less. You can easily end up with a child who will do more and more in hope that somehow they will finally receive praise, or they may become disheartened and give up altogether. They may look for praise from those who will give it to them, rather from their parents.

Instead, we need to praise our kids LOTS. But we need to praise them for the right things. While I agree we shouldn’t say ‘you are smart!’, we do need to put serious thought into how to best encourage our kids, and how to frequently use praise that encourages and helps our kids to realise when they have done things right. Let’s not discourage them by staying silent, but encourage them appropriately.

Wow. I had thought (and been told) I was a bad parent. I let my kids find out about consequences of choice. They were responsible for the bad grade, it wasn’t my place to do their homework. Conflict resolution? My rule was, if you’re not bleeding, deal with it. I, too, had the child with the ugly projects, because they did them, It wasn’t my job. They were taught to respect others (when merited). As I look at them now (they are all adults), I’m seeing that they are teaching their children in the same way. One of my kids started out much more progressively (liberally?) minded. That lasted about 4 years.
What I really want to say is that I’m proud of my kids, and grandkids. I’ve raised 4 productive members of society, and they in turn, are doing the same.

Thank you for such a wonderful article. I believe in these points you have made. I have talked my two daughters – seven and nine – two stand up for themselves.… To take care of themselves. We talked a lot about things, they work hard, we have fun and we love each other. I have strongly Talked with them and listen to them. I completely agree with this article as well as the other people who have commented. Thank you so much. Yes, as has been stated, we need groups of parents who believe this way to support each other and be there for each other. I have been lucky to find Only a few. Thank you.

This should be required reading. I still think people should have to pass a test before having kids. I am kidding but really families are a mess for the most part.

Amen! This couldn’t be more true. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of this myself. My oldest, now a sophmore in college is the worst of my 4 kids, mainly due to him being our “guinea pig” child. When he began college I quickly realized I had done him a huge diservice by doing everything for him and always “fixing” things. He came to expect that and had no idea how to handle things on his own. Tough love came in to play very quickly. The change we saw in him between freshman and sophmore year has been astounding. He had to get a job, take out a loan to buy his own car, pay his own insurance, gas, etc. He takes care of most all is needs. Yes, we are still here if he needs help, but now instead of doing it, we give him advice on how we think he should fix it. The change has taken effect on the other 3 kids in such a positive way I wish we had done it years ago. They were resistant at first, of course and were actually mad. Our favorite line back to them when they are angry is “it’s not our job to be your friend, you have plenty of those, it’s our job to be your parent and raise you to be a contributing member of society, able to function in the real world on your own.” I hope this story gets out to every parent and some major changes start to take place among our youth. God knows it’s needed!!!!!

Much of this is very sketchy research at best without a clear cause and effect. Helicopter parents, negotiating grades and whatever else is not new, yet here you are writing in a manner that makes it out like a person who has paid a LOAD of money to go to college is “privileged” or “spoiled” or was raised wrong for expecting some give and take from their educational institution?!! I’m a genXer and I was ignored, raised myself and my younger brother, got hurt a lot and was molested by a neighbor for years and ended up in a lot of bad situations and I do not consider any of those to be things I would want my own child to experience, nor do I feel they made me a better person or taught me anything valuable. And as a college student you are damned right I expect that if I have a family commitment, a work commitment or some other real world, long term thing come up, the professors treat me like the adult I am and understand that a one semester class is appropriately placed on the importance totem pole when it comes BEHIND my livelihood and my family. Not to say I approve of the classmates who do nothing all semester and then expect an A when they power through the work the last 2 weeks (and don’t do a great job at it), but math and science teachers who will fail students for getting the flu or having a friend die or needing to travel for work or having a major real world work project come due and the student asks for a few days or hours to get real world issues in order, those professors are no better than thieves. Both in practice and in the false sense of superiority and disregard for the other person they are victimizing. A smart engineer should know how to triage problems and homework should not be a priority over your best lifetime friend being moved to hospice care for example, or a real business with the livelihoods of many people at stake needing the student employee for a real world business trip or project that makes the student unable to complete some homework on time. As a matter of fact, “I need to go pick up my drunk roommate from the bar so he doesn’t drive” is above getting some calculus or statistics turned in by midnight in my opinion. And until professors wake up to the reality of students being adults and making adult choices about their priorities the USA will continue to scare smart people out of STEM jobs. The opinion and attitude towards the new generation of young people exemplifies the attitude that is producing loads and loads of Psy, Liberal Arts and other non STEM degree holders.

As a parent for 40+ years and a classroom teacher for 30+ years I agree with you. False praise is good for the moment but children know if they did well or not. We need to commend the effort . The process is as important as the result. We often learn more from the process.After all we need to prepare children for the real world.

I was also blessed with 2 great parents. Yes my Mother was softer and a little easier when she was upset with me. My Dad was also very loving. Not near as soft and downright scary when I got (The EYE ). Even my friends knew the look. My Dad had me mowing yards @ 10. Helping him with his auto and home repairs on a Saturday at 8am. Don’t cry about it, do what needs done. I hated it. I was always trying to leave the house before he noticed the trash needed taking out. One night i found the trash bags neatly tied,( in my bedroom ). Never for got the trash again!!lol….My Mother taught me to be kind to all people. If I came across some angry person, or Bullies as a kid, to KILL them with KINDNESS. If they put their hands on me, take them down! I dealt with lots of bullies. The lessons I learned from BOTH parents made me a decent man. I sure try but no ones perfect.
Now my 10 yr old son has zero hearing in left ear and 25 % in right. I battle everyday with the question of he needs more protection than most kids but i do see him having some of the traits above. ie if it does not come fairly easy he wants to give up. Some of his friends ride bikes in the neighbor hood but my son can’t hear traffic…. Even before this article we decided to slowly start adding more responsibility’s and chores. He already help’s Dad all around the house. I am very proud of him but I fear that his mom and I try and remove risk like the man said above.

As an extension of your thoughts on our children I am seeing similar issues in the work force when it comes to safety. The over protection is preventing the younger workers from engaging the brain while they work. They tend to believe if they have a toolbox talk and have been orietated on the task and its risks that everything will be okay, they forget about the execution of the task. A ‘lazy brain’ is rampant in the phyisical work force of the younger generation. They haven’t fallen enough through their childhood to know they have to pick there spots to land.

Excellent advice. I am a 50 something grandparent who has been exepounding this issue for 10 years. My kids are beginning to see the light, and believe that ole dad is not just old fashioned after all… All humans live up to the expectations we have of them, and, if given the chance, will rise in the face of adversity. We need to empower children by allowing them to make their own decisions, and letting them face the consequences of their decisions. This is how character is built, and how we all learn to accept responsibility and learn from our mistakes amnd experiences.

I really enjoyed reading this article and agree 100% with you. We all learn by making mistakes. I feel for teachers these days. They put up with a lot of garbage from students’ parents. If the parents don’t respect the education system then why would their children? Our three children worked part time jobs through high school and continued on while attending university as well and it didn’t hurt them one bit. It taught them how to budget along with responsibility. Parents are trying to live through their children by putting them in too many extracurricular activies – they have no time to enjoy down time or you have parents that are too lazy to put their children in anything. I could go on and on about how messed up this society is becoming but you nailed most of the issues on the button.

At what age do you let your child walk 2-3 blocks from bus stop to home? is 5-6 ok?

Amazing. Thank you so much for such a great article!

Your Article Rocked! I have about 15 mothers that need to read it immediately.

As much as I feel I do most of what you suggested, I too fall short as well. I have a hard time not rescuing my girls when “I” assume it’s needed. Your article just reminded me, that those are the very times I need to step back and allow my children the opportunity to handle it themselves. Come up with their own resolutions, maybe even not seeming logical to me at the time. By doing that, they have the ability to grow up to be logical, healthy, problem solving adults.

So thanks… I needed to be reminded once again.

I am a teacher, not a parent, and I believe your message is also spot on for education professionals. We will develop better leaders if we reward accomplishments, encourage risk-taking and mistakes, and refuse to pander to parents who DO try to negotiate every grade.

The only one of these mistakes I’ve made for certain is the first one about risk. I understand she needs to learn to take calculated risks intelligently, and will only learn this by doing, I just can’t get over my own fear for her safety. Concerts, crowded malls, movies without parents- all of which have been in recent news connected to some tragedy, specifically shootings. How can I avoid this mistake without putting her in harm’s way?

I just heard about this article and it is great!!! My friends always gave me a hard time because when my son would fall at the playground I wouldn’t run over and check on him. I would always tell them that I was watching him and knew that he wasn’t injured so there was no need for me to run over to his aid and that in reality I was teaching him a bigger lesson. In life we will fall many times and we will just have to get up and keep on going.

I was my dad’s helper while growing up. I cherish those memories and skills.

What a great article and SUCH an important read for all parents.

I’m 24 and no children yet, but I see my friends with toddler-aged kids making these mistakes… It makes me sick! When their child acts out, they take pictures of how “cute” it was to act disrespectful and post it on Facebook! I am appalled! And if I say anything like, “so what was his/her punishment?” I get a diatribe about how I don’t know what it’s like to have kids. I work as a Teaching assistant at the university level and see students who think they can barter with their professors for better grades. Thank God my professor refuses to change their grades. Seriously parents need a wake up call!

So where, when and how did we all go wrong? What led to our generation babying our kids so much? We didn’t grow up this way….I know it is wrong each time I protect or rescue…yet I feel, in today’s world, if I don’t protect, I’m the bad Mom.

Thank you! I was a genius as a mother, not a raving lunatic as some thought. I have two wildly successful children because they are both happy.

Amen!

i disagree. love your child. talk to them with respect. expect them to be responsible for their actions, but help them out if they screwed up. work on your own problems, so you don’t mindlessly pass on your own damages. our world is scarier than the brady bunch world i grew up in.

I love this. I’m a college sophomore. My parents let me make mistakes and learn from them. Unlike many of my classmates, who were paid for “A’s,” my reward was being told that I did a good job. Not that I was smart, or deserved it, but that my HARD WORK led to my grade. Now I live with two roommates whose parents didn’t teach them these things. They blame their bad grades on professors and expect that someone else will clean up their (literal and figurative) messes for them.

I’ve become very grateful that my parents raised me the way they did. They didn’t do things for me. They taught me how to do those things myself.

I’m not one to rave too easily, but this really was a great article. I guess you wouldn’t be offended by the sign on my classroom door that asks students to leave any sense of entitlement outside the classroom.

When I was in the middle of the first grade, my parents and the parents of my best friend decided that we were big enough to walk home from school on our own. We were very proud and really enjoyed the adventure. Some twenty years later our mothers confessed that they actually secretly followed us on the route home for about a month until they were quite sure that we knew how to cross busy streets and what to do when we were being talked to by strangers. The ‘don’t talk to strangers’ rule, by the way, was also a rather funny modification – it was don’t give out your name and personal information and don’t go anywhere with them, but people are generally interesting, so why not enjoy a nice chat in a safe environment. At times, mother says, she caught herself thinking “I am so glad all of those people on the bus who have to endure my daughter’s loud fight with her friend have no idea she is MY daughter”, but she never-ever interfered. Her rule was “If it’s not life-threatening, she can deal with it on her own and then tell me about it later”.

My parents are proud of the kind of grown-up that I am, but I can also see what that strategy of raising me did for them. Now that they are in their sixties and seventies and all of their friends are very prone to worrying about everything in the world, my parents are very patient people who can accept what life brings them. After letting me deal with my life on my own and closely watching that when I was young, my mother has developed a deep trust not only in my judgement, but also a deep trust in the world. And that is something I hope more people would have.

If you don’t risk your kids life by letting them be pedo bait on their walk to school, then you’re being a helicopter parent.

You article was refreshing and on target. It’s good to know that their are other parents out there being parents and not ‘friends’ or ‘pals’ to their kids. Great article!

I have four well adjusted successful adult children and I must say my parenting styles were quite closely linked to what you are proposing. And yes there were most definitely times when my kids “didn’t like me” …. but they did get over it

The fact that we have to read books like this in the first place is evidence of how much common sense my generation has lost. I hope I raised my kids, 32 and 26, so that they don’t need books like this to raise theirs. I was lucky I had parents who understood these issues as they raised me and helped reinforce them as I raised my kids. Now as a grandparent it’s my job to help my kids do the same thing. Not a real difficult concept.

related blog (i am not affiliated to it in any way is freerangekids.com

I agree absolutely 100%. These words of wisdom should be an integral part of any parenting class. I was incredibly fortunate to literally fall into most of these gems of wisdom accidentally, in my opinion. I had no formal, or for that matter informal parenting training, but was fortunate enough to have been rebellious enough to try most of these bits of behavioral truth.

Thank you.

Amen! Now, could someone please send this to my mother-in-law?

People do not understand when I say I am not raising children but adults. My purpose is that they will some day be responsible and productive adult members of our society and not spoiled rotten grown up children. I expect them to earn the things that they want and not just give them everything. They often think its unfair because their friends are just given stuff they have to earn but I think when they are grown they will thank me for it. My kids will know how to cook, clean, drive, make good choices and hopefully spend money wisely by the time they leave home. I met too many kids when I was attending college who could not take care of themselves and I pitied them. They had to learn from the school of “your mama don’t live here”. This is a great article and every parent should read it!

Growing up, there was Uncle Gold. He was almost always in our house, mostly using an old-fashioned iron press on clothes he had washed as a laundryman in the backgarden of my parents’ house. “Uncle Washman” as we called himwas handsome. Whilst almost everyone in the village was dark-skinned, he was light and light meant handsome and desirable. Except that his wife had left him and no woman would go near him. He had no money.
My mother told me his story one day. As an infant he was so angelic that his mum would not allow just anybody to touch him. As a toddler/preschool/stripling, he was not allowed any work. Everything was done for gorgeous Gold. He did not go to school (where he’d be smacked by the teacher). He did not learn any trade. Alas, when mum and dad died, he was left alone, unschooled, unlearned, untrained, unprepared and unskilled. The only trade he could do to feed himself was laundry. Later, he died penniless.
His parents loved him and wrapped in cotton wool. Or was that – they hated him?

I guess you didn’t grow up in the country where we had to ride a school bus so crowded that it was standing room only and the larger kids thought nothing of shoving small kids down and stepping on them breaking bones and sometimes disfiguring them for life. I would have given anything for a kind word from my mother instead of her screaming at me for getting my clothes dirty or my glasses getting broken by a high school senior when I was in 4th grade.

Spot on!! You took how I feel and put it in words!!

Spot on. However, now that I have a 2 year old this is easier said than done. I have found myself cutting time-out short because she won’t stay, giving her a juice box even though I had previously said she couldn’t have one, and hugging her when when she is whining because I feel sad for her, instead of letting her work through it as I know I should. I’m glad you have shared this insight. It is a perfect reminder that the way I was raised wasn’t so bad after all, and I am doing her a disservice by providing her with immediate satisfaction.

I am amazed at the accuracy of your article. I agree that it should be printed out and given to every parent to read even before they begin parenting. As a former teacher, I have seen every one of those situations in “real life”. I know we did a good job with our own kids by watching them become the amazing adults they are now. The best thing is- I see my son parenting the same way we did.

I agreed w/ almost everything in your article…. I don’t agree that we have adults still living at home because of “our failure to let them risk….” We have adults still living at home because mommy and daddy are giving them everything and making it so they don’t have to work for what they want out of life. In talking about children being “afraid” of risk you don’t seem to take into account the naturally cautious child. For example my (now 16yr old) child refused to walk till she was almost 2 and refused to climb on an open play structure till she was almost 4. I would put her on the structure she’d crawl off and refuse to get on it, but if it was a closed structure she was all over it. This is just her natural temperament.
I also disagree with your remark “teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require.” I disagree with this because teenage breakups did nothing to prepare me or make me appreciate the “emotional maturity that lasting relationships require.” It wasn’t until YEARS later that I could appreciate the give and take of a lasting relationship.
Like I said I agree with almost everything in your article. My children are told on a constant basis that “It is only as hard as YOU make it.” Meaning that if they don’t put in the work that it requires then they are responsible for the difficulties they’ll face. We expect (they’ve proven they can earn them) nothing lower than a B in their classes and that offends a lot of their friends and other parents. Many of our family/friends think that our “giving” our 16yr old a car was wrong because she “buy it herself.” What they aren’t aware of (it’s none of their business) is that she IS buying it from us in the form of EXTRA chores and re-imbursement. Yes, we put down the original payment but she is still the one ultimately buying the car.

my mom took care of everything for my siblings and I. I think it’s because of my parents divorcing she always felt bad about it and wanted to be our friends. When I was getting ready for college I realized how disadvantaged I was and it carried through my college career which was short lived. I purposely went to a college further away so that I could learn myself how to do things and continued to choose work further from home, again for that reason. I’m now married with children and I am working hard to not do everything for them. When they come to me because someone “took my toy.” etc then I tell them how to work it out but I refuse to do it for them. They are the ones who will have to deal with those situations alone in school. Take it from someone who was overly protected as a child, don’t do it. For crying out loud, it wasn’t until I was married that I had to make calls for appointments etc on my own and I gotta tell ya, I was nervous for the first few times.

Great article! I only wish more people would read it.

I believe that it is the job of the parent to make themselves redundant. I also believe it is the parent’s job to provide support. Part of that means giving them freedom and letting them experiment with the world, knowing that mistakes will be made and that that is when the most learning and inner growth will happen. It isn’t that we have to somehow work “against” our kids to achieve this; kids want to explore and learn and take on responsibilities. Every kid can and should learn and practice basic life skills. Sometimes it takes more “nudging” than others, but viewing them as some sort of wild thing that needs taming sets up a dynamic that, for more sensitive kids, might erode their trust.

I see my role as a parent to be a guide and mentor; friendship can come once they are out on their own, although we do enjoy each other’s company. We work together. I am not a dictator. We replace “rules” with “kindness” and “good judgement”. In fact, the only “rules” have given my kids are: no reading while walking through parking lots and traffic, and no reading while navigating stairs. While reading, my kids seem to lose their sense of good judgement LOL.
Discussing and using good judgement covers everything else, and allows them the freedom to make their own mistakes. The conversation between us remains open.

We do not operate on the premise that age deserves respect; instead we act on the premise that people deserve respect, regardless of age, gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, etc. I am proud that my sons have learned this well and have even protected fellow students from those who do not show such respect, including an incident with a supply teacher who acted unprofessionally.
Although the student was not a friend of his, DS left the classroom without permission and went to the office where he reported the situation to the vice principal. In some schools, he may have been reprimanded, since some people still value authority over ethics, but his school prides itself on respect of all people, and he was thanked by the administration.

If DS had been taught that age and/or authority is to be respected above all else, he might not have been willing to risk himself in this way. No one else in the class took action, and had he not done so in this case, that student would have had to endure continued harassment. Instead, the teacher was removed from the system upon admitting to the behaviour.

By replacing the “law of rules” with “good judgement”, he was able to see that breaking a rule and defying the authority of the teacher to leave the classroom was preferable to letting the situation continue.

In school, I am always surprised when there are meetings that do not include the student. Often I will bring said child along anyhow, since it is their education we are discussing.

I couldn’t agree more. Try to disseminate this article to all the schools in this country so that it can be passed on to parents.

Well expressed and documented. Thanks!

I agree with the article that we are living in an oversensitive world. But lets face it, the old fashioned and traditional ways are not as sacred as they used to be. Children are getting kidnapped, molested, and sometimes killed just while innocently walking to school. I believe that individuals with kids should set boundaries even for themselves against over coddling and softening a kid’s resilient capabilities. I have watched parents literally drop everything because their child stubbed their toe or perhaps slightly hit their hand and the kid starts bawling. They wrap their huge suffocating arms around them and act as if their baby is dying. Please.
Parents who are responsible in making sure they can do what is in their power in keeping a watchful eye on their child is in my opinion, are doing nothing wrong. It seems that the times of this present age is a weird, creepy, overexposed era. The media tells our young boys to conquer and sow their seeds in any young girl willing. While also encouraging our young girls to wear skimpy sexy outfits even if they are only a single digit age. I appreciate this article and the tone it sets in presenting the importance in allowing our young people to form their own opinions or helping them to have a operating critical thinking mindset. But lets not shoot down the people who trying to keep their children safe, even if it is by helicopter.